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Apparently sales figures for Ugg boots have “finally” dropped, with a claim that “fashionistas everywhere” are “rejoicing”. Really? Are these the same fashionistas who championed the foamy moon-boots in the first place? The same fashionistas who are papped on the way to Sainsbury’s wearing an outfit not dissimilar to pyjamas, teamed with shoes not dissimilar to slippers (yes, that’d be the Uggs) and lauded for looking “effortless”? Not to worry. The message was clear. The age of wearing cartoon footwear is over. Almost.

Being 32, short and usually skint, I’m not the sort of person who has ever been at the mercy of What’s Hot/What’s Not columns. The purchase of a few good quality Fred Perry ‘pieces’, some second-hand retro shirts of the man-made fibre variety and tops from lesser-known companies like Gentle Fawn and Fever has served me well and will continue to do so. But that’s not to say that what’s happening on the high street doesn’t affect me. Au contraire, I have to look at it, and one way or another I can’t help but have opinions.

Which was why yesterday’s visit to Topshop, that bastion of all that is “on trend”, turned into a rough cat reconnaissance to see what else can be added to the What’s Not list.

1. Alas the shorts-and-tights ‘trend’ seems here to stay…
Most horrifying of all the Festival Wear ‘trends’, the shorts-and-tights combo is especially unforgiving on the average Scottish figure. Squeezing oneself into a cheap pair of semi-opaque tights and covering the gusset area with booty-hugging denim does not a svelte fashion-statement make. Unless you want to look like ten pounds of mince in an eight-pound bag. Very few girls over the age of 12 do not possess curves in one place or another, and very few girls look bad with these curves. Curves are attractive, sexy, female. Why would you want to dress them in such a way as to make them look strained, bursting and fat? You wouldn’t? Get rid of those cursed hotpants then.

2. Studs. Thank Gok Wang for that.
According to people like Gok Wang, studs are a quick fashion fix for tired old sweaters lying crumpled at the back of the wardrobe, under that pile of shoes. I am most certainly not interested in “rocking” this trend, but it has stuck around for a while. It’s an easy DIY and in this age of austerity and given my reliance on second-hand clothing I’m all for resurrecting garments that were previously thought dead.

3. Desperately Seeking Susan is in, In, IN.
Cropped T-shirts, tapered ankle trousers and slouchy blazers are arranged just so as if it’s 1986. Again, no bad thing as long as you know what you’re doing. All those ‘statement’ 1980s pieces means you need to be selective. Be aware of your shape, and more importantly your height. Do not fling everything into your shopping bag with the intention of teaming it all as one outfit. Do so, and you risk looking like an On Trend Try-Hard or, with all that slouchy oversized material and layering, a bag-lady.

4. Stiletto High-Tops…
…WTF?!?

So my pseudo-scientific research has revealed highs and lows. Ugg boots might be over but fashion abhors a vacuum, and some things seem here to stay. Damn those hotpants.

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